MY OLD ASS: A Fear of Goodbyes

18-year-old Elliott’s worst fear was goodbye. This fear persisted into her almost-40s, as we see when she encounters My Old Ass on a Shrooms trip in Megan Park’s film. You wouldn’t know Elliott was afraid to say goodbye with her repeated mantra that she can’t wait to get away. She’s even convinced her family. That happens when fear reverses itself. But things can change when the older Elliott comes face to face with what this fear has done to her life.

Why Elliott “Can’t Wait" to Leave

Free-spirited Elliott (Maisy Stella) does her own thing. She is who she is and doesn’t let anyone stop her. That’s a good thing. Mostly. It’s important to be free to be who you are. To find your real self. Yet, sometimes, what you think you feel – for sure – is a rather flimsy self-protection because you need it. Like Elliott does, you need it to convince yourself you’re not sad and it’s no loss to say goodbye.

Sadness can feel like too much. And a loss, like you can’t get through it.  So, you tell yourself you can’t wait to leave. Good riddance to this old life of yours, you didn’t like it anyway and you won’t miss it or anyone in it. You can’t let yourself know it matters because that brings too much pain.

Usually, wanting to get away isn’t the whole story. For Elliott, it’s only a part. She’s excited about college and new experiences, leaving a small town for a bigger one. The problem is – she’s managed to get rid of almost all of her feelings so she won’t feel sad about saying goodbye.

We see how detached Elliot is. She doesn’t make it home for her 18th birthday dinner. “Oh, you had a cake?” Looking only mildly interested. She brushes off her parents and her brothers.

Saying “good riddance,” so to speak, is a way of managing feelings of loss and sadness. Yet, she gets rid of other feelings, too. Like love for important people. You wonder if she can feel it at all.

But feelings, all of them, are who you are. Without them, you live detached and numb. In My Old Ass, the older Elliott (Aubrey Plaza) teaches her younger self the importance of family – yet, she seems shut down.

We soon find out why.

The Problem with Falling in Love (For Real)

Elliot’s Old Ass warns her. “Stay Away from Chad.” You see, Elliott’s kept things light, no real attachments. Oh, she has her friends Ruthie (Maddie Ziegler) and Ro (Kerrice Brooks), but we see that Elliot keeps her feelings a bit distant, even with them. And, sex is sex. It’s great. But she keeps it completely separate from love.

When Chad (Percy Hynes White) comes on the scene as a farmhand for the summer on her parent’s cranberry farm, he keeps popping up everywhere as much as Elliot tries to heed her older self’s warnings and stay away. But he’s quietly persistent and so, so helpful and really nice - that she’s having a hard time.

What’s wrong with Chad? She can’t figure it out. And her Old Ass isn’t answering her calls.

The problem with Chad is love. And, love means attachment and the risk of loss. But what’s the risk? It turns out that he lives in Toronto and goes to U of T, which is where Elliott is taking off to.

So, what’s the problem then? Why would her older self, tell her to stay away so they can change the past and the course of her life? Well, it’s because Chad is wonderful, but he dies. Death is a bigger loss than leaving her family. There’s no going back. And, that is a big problem for Elliott.

It seems like Elliott is all about “nothing matters and I can’t wait to get out of here,” until she finds out her parents are selling the cranberry farm. Worse, everyone knows but Elliott. They didn’t tell her because they didn’t think she’d care. She sure made it seem that way. But Elliott cares big time.

She needs to know she can come back home. Then it’s not a goodbye. The “tough” Elliot cries.

Where Does Fear of Goodbye Come From?

That’s how sensitive Elliott is, underneath her crusty exterior. You see, Elliott had to tell herself she didn’t care because she felt she cared too much. This wasn’t conscious. It was adaptive. If she “didn’t care,” it was as if loss was and would always be non-existent. The problem is: that isn’t true.

How and why did this happen to Elliott? This isn’t an uncommon self-protective strategy. Yet, where do these kinds of fears start? There’s not a one-size-fits-all answer for everyone.

Sometimes there is a definite, well-defined, obvious trauma, or many traumas in early childhood. Other times trauma is subtle, not visible to the naked eye, but felt. This seems to be Elliott’s case.

Some babies are born acutely sensitive. It’s a part of an innate (or genetic) nature. A separation that might not bother a different baby, registers deeply with a baby who is easily affected.

Here’s a hint: After taking the advice of her Old Ass to spend time with her family before she leaves for college, Elliott’s mother tells a story about her toddlerhood and difficulty going to sleep.

Her mother (Maria Dizzia) would rock her and rock her – but it had to be done in a very particular way, according to Elliott’s specific dictates and needs. After years of this, Elliott, of her own accord. said “Crib.”

Yet, this wasn’t a total relief to Elliott’s mom. It was a loss to her not to rock Elliott, her oldest, to sleep anymore. She had her own feelings and separation anxiety. Babies pick up on these things.

Fears don’t happen in a vacuum. And, you develop methods to handle fears, for better or worse.

Fear of Goodbyes Can Halt Your Life

My Old Ass, Elliott’s 39-year-old self is afraid of living because she’s still traumatized by Chad’s death. She hadn’t planned on a goodbye, no one does. And, when you love someone, it’s pure pain.

She has some good advice for Elliott when it comes to family relationships. After all, they are still alive and that might change the course of closeness and time you don’t need to lose by detaching.

But death? There’s nothing to be done to have more time and bring someone back. The older Elliott hasn’t figured that one out yet – except to wish it had never happened to the tune of “Avoid Chad.”

Stopping the good things by trying to avoid the tragedies and the hurt isn’t a way to live. You end up being hypervigilent so that any catastrophe (which seems around every corner) won’t happen.

That seriously halts your life. You can’t live or let yourself love again. You’re afraid of making the “wrong move,” you’re very unhappy and you can’t get out of this gloomy trap. Like My Old Ass.

What’s the answer, then, when you’re afraid of goodbyes? Elliott has a lesson for her Old Ass, too.

How Not to Let Fear of Goodbyes Ruin Your Life

My Old Ass freaks out when she finds out that taking her eyes off her younger self means that Elliott went and fell in love with Chad. A surprise to Elliott, too, since she thought she was gay.

But Elliott is madly in love with Chad – and it’s the first time she’s let herself love. That’s when she forces her Old Ass to tell her, “What’s the problem with Chad?” That the warnings are because Chad was truly as wonderful as he seems (and seemed way back then) – but Chad had to go and die.

The 39-year-old Elliott can’t get over it. Her younger self has something to say. It’s a lesson that sometimes you can only learn by reflecting back on your life, if you’re open. And. this is also the value of psychotherapy if you can’t get unstuck yourself. No one has to stay trapped in fear forever.

Understanding the reasons for your fears is what frees you, heals you, and allows a different future.

Elliott tells My Old Ass (I’m paraphrasing): “No. I won’t say goodbye to Chad. Even knowing that he dies. I’m going to love him as much as I can and let him love me, for every minute we have.”

Now, that isn’t letting a fear of goodbyes ruin your life. It’s the best advice anyone can offer. Embrace all the moments you have. It might not be easy. But living in fear stops you from living.