DYING FOR SEX EPISODE 4 TOPPING IS A SACRED SKILL: Molly Wants Power (& How She Gets Some…)

Dying for Sex Episode 4: Topping is a Sacred Skill reveals one thing you don’t have when you’re sexually abused as a child, and that’s: power. Your abuser has the power. You? You have no control. You’re scared, helpless, and you go away, go dead, shut down your desire, just like Molly did. If you’re that child, you don’t have any power over all of your overwhelming feelings.

And now, to make it even more complicated, Molly has no control over her cancer spreading. No control over her fear of being trapped and held down during radiation, treatment supposed to help her, but triggers and terrifies her instead. Or over Dr. P’s bumbling fear of his feelings (mirroring hers). Especially not over her anger, which Nikki’s quite good at expressing for her.

Molly’s gone numb, but deep inside, she’s in a panic. She’s not on top of anything.

Not on Top of Anything in Dying for Sex Episode 4

It’s the worst feeling in the world, not to be on top of anything. Not your feelings or your life. That can make a vulnerable person feel weak and pathetic. So, more than anything else, Molly wants power. That’s why she kicked Neighbor Guy in the dick. (The “dick” who abused her; and we’ll discover, the “dick” who didn’t send her for a mammogram; hence she’s dying.)

If you think of kicking a man in his dick for those reasons, it’s completely understandable. But Molly doesn’t know why she kicked Neighbor Guy (and loved it). It confuses her to her core.

Plus, she feels guilty about her pleasure and, to a greater extent, about her desire for more. Sonya, her palliative care counselor and a woman who knows a lot about “non-vanilla” sex, comes to the rescue. She’ll teach Molly (and Nikki too) about all sorts of things that are OK, with consent.

So, Molly (with Nikki tagging along) goes to a sex party. There, she’s introduced to “topping.” And, it is a sacred skill for someone who wants power and has none. This, Molly needs to explore.

Molly learns about “topping” in Dying for Sex Episode 4 …

What is Topping? And Why a Sacred Skill?

Topping is a sacred skill because it means being “on top and in control.” Especially if you’re not.

So, here they are at a sex party – a place where almost anything goes, with consent, of course. Molly watches one of Sonya’s ex-s’, G, pleasure another woman, take control of her, tie her down, making the woman submit, and not allowing her to have an orgasm until the dominatrix says so.

That’s the kind of power Molly wants (over the terrified little girl/woman living inside her). No, Molly doesn’t want the submission part. She wants to dominate. And, she makes that very clear when she goes to where G, the dominatrix, works and asks her to teach her how to do it. G. tells Molly she first needs to learn how to submit – and wants Molly to submit to her. Molly says, No!

G doesn’t get Molly at all. But how could she? She doesn’t ask. Molly doesn’t tell. G has no idea about Molly’s sexual abuse history or what Molly is going through now, with cancer. She can’t possibly know Molly had to submit at age 7; has to submit to scary treatment, and has no control.

All Molly can say is: “I need to be the one in control. I need control.” Of course, she does in Dying for Sex, Episode 4. Topping is a sacred skill when you’ve shut down your feelings to have control.

Control Over Feelings & (A Care-Less Doctor)

Molly wouldn’t be dying if not for a doctor who didn’t think she needed a mammogram. “You’re too young to have cancer.” And, anyway, he didn’t “feel anything.” That’s an understatement.

Dr. P feels. He battles his feelings like Molly does. He cares too much. But Molly’s old doctor? He cared too little. Because of that, he was careless – and because of him, Molly will die.

She watches him, frequently, as he laughs, lives his life, and has no care in the world when he should have cared for her.  Molly has no control over that. No power over his careless mistake.

No control at all, in Dying for Sex, Episode 4.

Now, Molly and Nikki sit on a bench across from his office building. The doctor, on his cellphone, laughs and laughs. He says, “That’s hysterical.” Nothing is hysterical or funny in Molly’s life.

She sits, in the only way she knows, staring numbly. Numbness is a way to manage her despair and anger. Nikki feels the rage and the tears: “He couldn’t be bothered to order a mammogram and now you’re dying because of it and this asshole gets to go on doing normal fucking shit.”

Nikki’s screaming, Molly wants to disappear (as she always has). Yet, she wants power over this kind of man who made her feel weak. She wants to hurt them so they never can hurt her again.

Power over Feeling Weak & Pathetic …

Power comes in many forms. Sonya’s point, and in meeting G, is to give Molly an avenue for domination. Sure, it gets expressed sexually – but Molly’s actual need is to feel power over her fear of being weak and pathetic if she cries or gets scared, something she’s felt since age seven.

Molly is with Hooper, stepping on him in her high heels, inflicting pain, demanding that he cover his face. Being the dominatrix gives Molly a sense of power that she doesn’t feel, and never has.

Hooper’s the weak one, and he loves playing that role. Yet, Molly flashes back to the radiation mask when she covers Hooper’s face … to her terror. To herself as a frozen, frightened child. Everything is all mixed up. Her sexual abuse and cancer traumas are NOW. She yells, “I hate you.”

Not Hooper. She hates her vulnerability. Hates her feelings. All of them. She always has. Hence, her dissociation in Dying for Sex Episode 4. And, during and in the aftermath of trauma.

Molly hears Hooper calling: “Red, red …” She asks, “Why did you use the ‘safe word?” He says, “It seems like you were somewhere else. Top Drop can be scary. Let’s get snacks. Jalapeno Chips?”

Jalapeno Chips and “safe words” aren’t antidotes for fear. Molly must learn to (really) feel safe.

To Stop Dissociation? You Must Feel Safe…

Being on top isn’t a safety thing; you think it is because you’ve had to be tough. But safe means being able to be vulnerable with someone who understands, hears you, and cares.

Surprisingly, that’s G. Molly goes to find her. She says, “I’m ready to submit to you sexually.”

But it isn’t a sexual thing. That’s what Molly doesn’t see. Not yet. That G. will keep her safe and teach her how to know when she is and when she’s not. Sexual abuse means no one protects you.

That’s why you “go away,” just as Molly did when she was triggered with Hooper. A memory intrudes, and those memories are times or feelings that were not safe. Plus, you can’t stay present when no one feels safe. So, you withdraw and dissociate. And then, you’re more alone.

Now, G. understands when Molly says, “I’m scared of not being in control; I’m scared of not being able to feel or move; I’m scared of losing my body.” “Something happened to you.” “Yeah.”

G. tells Molly, “You need to learn to stay present. Stay right here. You have the power to say “No” at any time. Quiet. Just be here.” This is learning how not to dissociate: Stay right here.

That means: Asking for what Molly wants. Saying she wants to stop. That means: finding her voice.

Power (& Being on Top) is: Finding Your Voice

Until the end of Dying for Sex Episode 4, Molly has no voice. She’s numb. You can’t have a voice if you aren’t present and if you don’t know what you feel. Feelings lead you to what you want.

With G, Molly finds “power” over helplessness, terror, anger, sadness, and fear; over being vulnerable, violated, told what to do, held hostage by people who only care about themselves.

When Molly opens up to G., G. helps her stay present and learn to feel safe. Being safe is the most important remedy for ending dissociation. You wouldn’t dissociate if you weren’t terrified.

With G., Molly finds a voice that can say: “No.” No is the most important word for a scared, vulnerable woman. Molly learns she’s entitled to speak up. And, she does.

She speaks up to the scared-to-feel Dr. P (a mirror of herself). She asks his first name, demands he sit next to her on the exam table, and breathe with her. She says what she wants and needs:

Listen when she says she needs a break. Walk her through every step before a procedure. Don’t be so scared, and then Molly won’t be. She tells him when he can go, not the other way around.

Now, Molly can look her vulnerability straight in the eye … the vulnerability she sees mirrored in Neighbor Guy: “I don’t know if you’re embarrassed … or if you think about it at all, but … get over it and look at me.” “I think about it all the time.” Molly, softer now, says: “I said, ‘ Look at me.”

Power is: Feeling safe. Having a voice. Saying what you want. Knowing you can say “No…”

Continue following Molly’s journey. Join me next week for Dying for Sex Episode 5: My Pet.