DYING FOR SEX EPISODE 3: FEELINGS CAN BECOME AMPLIFIED: When Reality Hits Hard & Molly Has No Control

Dying for Sex Episode 3 shows us one major reason feelings can become amplified. It’s when reality hits hard after you’ve been avoiding reality for a very long time because it’s too painful to feel. And, for Molly, all those unwanted feelings are helped along by Dr. P’s new concoction of pharmaceuticals to go “full attack mode” against the cancer (just as hard as reality attacks her). So, finding out what she “loves” sexually has a lot to do with all the things Molly can’t control.

First, Molly doesn’t want to stay in the Stage 4 Cancer Support Group. It’s too depressing and real. She asks if anyone has suggestions about how to tell someone you’re dating how to make you come. They stare at her, stony-faced – probably the last thing on any of their minds. One woman says: “Maybe you’re with the wrong man …” That turns out to be true, but not for the obvious reasons (it’s for feeling reasons: like sensitivity and love, but you’ll have to wait for Episode 8).

Molly’s trying to run from her feelings. That’s understandable. She’s terrified. So, she leaves the Stage 4 group and sits down in another group (not Stage 4) that’s all about a “positive attitude and processing old traumas…” She tells Nikki that she’s going to be “all light and joy and positivity. I feel so good.” Nikki says, “But you lied to the group.” Yes, but Molly’s also lying to herself in Dying for Sex Episode 3.

Lying to Yourself When Reality’s Too Hard

Lying to yourself isn’t a conscious choice. It happens out of fear. Sitting in the Stage 4 group, Molly faces too much reality to swallow. In the other group, there’s hope. Hope she doesn’t have.

Facing the hopelessness of her diagnosis is devastating. Of course. How does she live with that? Even having the goal of “an orgasm with another person” doesn’t make up for a life cut short.

And, anyway, the reality is: she’s having sex and still can’t have an orgasm. “Every time I get close, my brain shuts down, the light goes out, and I’m just not there.” This is the dissociation of trauma. How does she get past that? She has no idea. Dr. P makes the difficulty even more glaring.

The concoction of drugs he’s putting together? Well, one of the side effects is vaginal dryness. Molly and Nikki freak out: “No!” Sonya has lube options. Dr. P – very uncomfortable with feelings, says it’s a mental health issue, and escapes. Oh, and another thing in Dying for Sex Episode 3:

Sonya warns Molly that with this combination of medication, “your feelings can be amplified.” That is going to be a challenge for a woman who’s used to blanking out and feeling almost nothing.

The first feeling to get amplified is Molly’s anger. At Neighbor Guy, when she has no control. Anger is often a major self-defense when sadness and vulnerability are much too much to feel.

One Way to Get Control Over Vulnerability

One way to exert control over vulnerability is to dominate someone who lacks self-respect. (Masochism is another word for that.) That’s Neighbor Guy, in Dying for Sex Episode 3.

We see how he treats himself: he eats messily and leaves garbage wherever he wants. No thought about other people. He disrespects them as much as himself.

He doesn’t believe anyone wants him. So, why bother? He won’t be vulnerable. Is it a surprise that he and Molly develop a sadomasochistic dance? Sadism is Molly’s control (not to feel sad).

So, she has it in for Neighbor Guy. Perhaps she senses his vulnerability, hidden deep inside, where hers is hiding, too. She meets him in the elevator, taking a sloppy, self-demeaning bite of his oozing taco. She says she wrote a note about keeping their common areas clean …

He glares and takes another bite, dripping on the elevator floor. Now it will be full-on war – who will win the rebellion against letting their guard down? (Is a hostile war the turn-on Molly needs?)  

Maybe. Because it all heats up with Neighbor Guy when she hears him masturbating while she’s trying to have sex with a hot but annoying 25-year-old. When the 25-year-old asks her what she likes, she says she doesn’t know, dissociates, has no feelings, and can’t let go. She kicks him out.

(And she feels like kicking him in the balls.) So, she goes back to masturbation (the safer route). And, on the other side of the wall, Neighbor Guy masturbates too. Molly hears him. It excites her.

She tells Nikki: “It was like a full marching band in my pants.” A sign that she can have an orgasm with another person? Not so fast. He disgusts her. And, excites her. She can’t admit to pleasure … Yet.

High on Drugs & Domination (Over Sadness)

The next time Molly sees Neighbor Guy, she’s high on her new drug combo, an expert now at crushing pills (and “joy and lightness,” at least as best she can, until the angry mood hits).  And, Neighbor Guy is her #1 target. Conveniently, there he is when she takes out her trash:

“You’re awake. Wearing basketball shorts? A hole in your t-shirt? You look like a dog. I hate everything about you. Leave your trash on the floor for other people to pick up? Pick it up! Oh my God, you’re doing what I say!! Say: ‘I’m disgusting …’ Say it again…” He complies. They both go into their separate apartments. Molly is turned on.

Domination and hostility work for her … it’s control over vulnerability, that’s the key. She’s found a new safety net for pleasure.

Molly hears Neighbor Guy “cumming.” She bangs on the wall and demands he stop. Submissive, he pleads, “Please can I cum?” “No-o-o-o-o-o!!” Molly screams back.

Very high on her drugs the next day (her feelings are majorly amplified), Molly sits in the cancer support group that isn’t Stage 4. She can’t stop laughing as much as she tries to stifle it. She giggles: “It just makes it (cancer) sound like a very fun trip …” Other women laugh too, and ask her to speak to her journey. Then, the truth about being Stage 4 pours out against her will.

The women are shocked and devastated. She’s told to leave the group: “What’s happening to you is their worst fear.” Molly turns, shocked, muttering: “Joy and light, fucking joy and light …”

Now she needs all the self-protection she can muster.

And, so far, sadomasochism is her best strategy in Dying for Sex, Episode 3.

Anger is Amplified in Dying for Sex Episode 3

Molly isn’t filled with joy or light. She’s filled with rage, not only at being rejected from the group, but faced with the fact that hers is her worst-case scenario, and she can’t fix it.

Yes, her feelings are amplified in Dying for Sex Episode 3, especially her anger. And, Neighbor Guy with his trash in the hallway – again – is the perfect target. Molly screams at him. She orders him around, calls him names, verbally assaults him, puts him down, including the size of his penis.

Molly feels so helpless and small – feelings she doesn’t want. She’ll make him feel that way instead. She orders him to pick up his trash and asks him sarcastically if he’s going to jerk off to this. When he nods sheepishly, “yes,” she asks if she can watch. He nods, “Yes.” She waltzes into his apartment, orders him to take off his clothes, touch himself, and continues abusing him.

Mockingly, she says: “I should kick you in the balls.” He pleads, “Do it. Do it.” She does and falls on the floor screaming and writhing in pain. Later, in the hospital with Nikki, she continues to abuse the young doctor. Molly cannot bear the fact that her feelings won’t go away in Dying for Sex Episode 3.

Molly’s feelings are heightened. She’s trying her damnedest to be in control of something or someone … because she’s not in control of her emotions, cancer, the group she’d rather be in because they’re not dying. She’s not in control of her death.

And, Molly’s femur broke because the cancer has spread. Nikki, unusually controlled for Nikki, tells her they have to put a rod in her leg. Molly (finally)begins to cry. And, Sonya is called in.

Molly’s Shame: Why Does She Want What She Wants?

Childhood sexual abuse leaves you with shame and confusion about your feelings and desires. Even more confusing for Molly is that she can’t get rid of her sadness. She did her best.

And, she blames herself. She tells Nikki, “I tried to be positive. I’m just a naturally fucked up negative person.” She’s left with angst … about what she wants with Neighbor Guy.

Tormented, Molly spills out: “It’s all my fault. It’s my stupid fucked up broken body. I got cancer twice and I can’t have normal orgasms from normal sex.”

Sonya says, “No, no, no. Cancer doesn’t care if you’re a positive person. Positive, beautiful people die all the time.” And, “normal sex? Who decides what that means?” Molly confesses what she did with Neighbor Guy, the control, the verbal abuse, “kicking him in the dick. And, I loved it.”

Nikki shouts: “Yes, yes, yes, amazing! … you figured out something you want.” “I don’t want to hurt people to have orgasms. What is wrong with me?” Sonya interjects: “Nothing is wrong with you. Sex is a mindset … Here’s the thing about your body. Maybe it’s saying something that you don’t want and you don’t understand. But give it a chance and listen to it.”

Nikki turns to Molly and says: “You kicked him in the dick?!” A slow smile spreads over Molly’s face. Here is her pleasure. And, Sonya’s right. Let’s understand and listen to the source of it.

Maybe it’s about anger at Molly’s abuser, instead of blaming herself. Or, it’s about trying to gain control over what has shamed her and shut her down. And, just maybe, anger is her first door out of that trap…

Stay Tuned for Next Week’s Post: Dying for Sex, Episode 4: Topping is a Sacred Skill