MATERIALISTS: Love Isn’t Easy When Your Childhood Was Hard

Materialists, written and directed by Celine Song, starring Dakota Johnson, Chris Evans, and Pedro Pascal, tells the story of how love isn’t easy when your childhood was hard (with a little matchmaking mixed in). Childhood trauma sets you up for confusion, insecurity, hopelessness, and various defenses against being hurt again, like going cold and choosing the wrong priorities when you’re looking for love. There’s a lot to learn from Lucy’s journey in Materialists.

Love Isn’t Easy After Childhood Trauma

What Lucy (Dakota Johnson) reveals to John (Chris Evans), her ex-boyfriend and later fiancé, in Materialists, creates a good picture of why she and many people struggle with love. As a child, Lucy was in the middle of her parents’ fighting, hating each other, and then getting divorced. That’s scary, hurtful, confusing – and who would want to repeat that if you can choose?

John asks: “Why does anyone get married?” Lucy says: “Because they’re lonely. They want to do it differently from their parents.” It’s more likely they’re hoping for the love they didn’t have.

Yet, love isn’t easy when you’re scared of repeating your childhood situation. For Lucy, that’s fighting and being poor. She and John fight. And, he’s a starving actor (not motivated to change).

So, now Lucy has her “boxes.” And when Harry (Pedro Pascal), the wealthy brother of one of her successful matchmaking clients, comes on to her at the wedding, he checks those boxes …

Harry: “You must know a lot about love.”

Lucy: “I know about dating.”

Harry: “What’s the difference?”

Lucy: “Dating takes a lot of effort, a lot of risk, and pain. Love is easy.”

Harry: “I find it the most difficult thing in the world …”

If Lucy were being honest, she doesn’t find love easy either. Yet, it’s not quite that simple. She does easily love John, but she tries not to. She’s convinced he’s wrong for her. After all, she has those boxes. The “right” man is rich (she’s a Materialist, at least until the end of Materialists), the “right” height (John checks that box), and good-looking (check, for John too).

But Lucy’s gone cold to love, in Materialists. Boxes aren’t about love.

Checking Boxes & Not Open to Love

Lucy’s shut down. At the beginning of Materialists, she approaches matchmaking the same way she handles love in her own life. Coldly. Watch her with the vulnerable Sophie (Zoë Winters). Not invested. By the books. Rote. Detached. Playing the “role” of matchmaker. Lucy convinces herself that a love match is simple math: good looks, height, wealth (materialism), settle or not?

She has everything she needs in John: he loves her, always shows up, listens, and is there when she needs him – to a fault. She makes him feel worthless and useless. But he keeps coming back.

Lucy loves John, but her ambivalence, fear, and confusion make him feel used, disposable, and hurt: “So you just show up at my door, kiss me, fuck me … while you’re getting over someone else?… I’m usually desperate enough to let you.” John doesn’t have “boxes.” She could lose him.

And, her wall of ice begins to melt (or maybe shatter) when her client Sophie is assaulted on a date. Did Lucy fail to screen well? Was it her fault? Did she miss the red flags? She’s heartbroken.

Hiding her upset, Lucy takes Harry to John’s play. (Will she marry him? John asks. Lucy answers: “Why not?” “Because he’s good-looking, rich, doesn’t have roommates or get angry at stupid shit?” John rejoins.) Yet, Harry doesn’t notice she’s upset, not herself. Sure, she tries to hide it.

But John knows her. Senses something. Asks her. “Is it him? Work?” “I just don’t think I’m good at my job anymore.” John tries to comfort her: “I’m sure it’s going to be fine. You’re not a drone pilot, a lobbyist, it’s just dating. It’s not that serious …” She doesn’t admit what happened.

Sexual assault is that serious.

It’s Not “Just Dating” When It’s Sexual Assault

Lucy’s shaken up (and should be). She matched Sophie with a man who assaulted her. Sophie’s suing the company and won’t speak to Lucy. But Sophie’s lawsuit against Adore, the Matchmaking company, isn’t why Lucy’s so distressed. Lucy does care about Sophie. And, now she can feel it.

The owner of Adore, Violet (Marin Ireland), also a Matchmaker, reassures Lucy. “It happens to all of us.” But that’s not the point, is it? Sexual assault shouldn’t happen to anyone. It’s never ok.

An already vulnerable Sophie trusted Lucy and Adore, counted on them, paid them a lot of money to help her, and she’s been severely traumatized. Her feelings matter the most.

A successful lawyer, Sophie doesn’t think well of herself. Clearly, in childhood, she’s been hurt badly, too. She yells at Lucy: “Boxes? He checked all the boxes? Height? A lie. Job. Income. All lies. He’s the kind of guy who gets drunk and follows you into the bathroom. You didn’t know him. I went on a date and found out. And, I thought we were friends. I thought you were working for me. It turns out I was working for you. You set me up on a date with him because you didn’t know what to do with me. You thought I was … worthless merchandise to be pawned off on anyone who’ll take her.” This is what Sophie felt before. Sexual assault deepens that wound. “I deserve love.”

Lucy tries to reassure her: “I know you do. I believe it.” Sophie lashes out: “Fuck you. Pimp.”

No one protected her. She counted on Lucy to keep her safe. She wasn’t. No one cared. That’s her childhood, which made her feel inferior, keeps her lonely, and leaves her in a hopeless state.

Don’t Lose Hope – You Don’t Have to Die Alone

Lucy’s failure to help Sophie find a good match (& her initially cold distance) makes her feel as bad about herself as Sophie does. And, helpless. But she gets a chance to repair things with Sophie (and inside herself) when Sophie calls her while she’s away with John (yes, but still ambivalent).

An hour away, they race back to NYC. (John is on board, of course. Anything for Lucy). Sophie is terrified because Mark P (John Magaro), the sexual assaulter, is outside her building, buzzing the doorbell and he won’t stop. Sophie blames herself because she let him walk her home.

She and Lucy are mirror images, hating themselves and suffering the hurts of a bad childhood. But, although conflicted, being able to feel love for John melts Lucy’s hard exterior, and she can comfort Sophie, stay with her until she falls asleep, and let her cry it out: “I really need to get a boyfriend so I don’t have to call my fucking Matchmaker.” (Sobbing.) “I’m going to die alone.”

Lucy: “You’re going to marry the love of your life … you don’t have to believe it. I believe it.

Sophie: “I’m not asking for a miracle. I want to love someone … who can’t help but love me back.”

If Lucy didn’t realize it already, that’s John for her. He’s waiting on the stairs to Sophie’s building. John’s always been waiting. “You asked how I could love you. I just do.” Lucy tells him: “I love you too. More than you know. You’re the only reason I know I’m capable of love.” John’s ready to step up. Change takes two: “I’ve been doing some math …I’m ready to make you an offer …”

Materialists tells you: Don’t lose hope when the going gets rough. You don’t have to die alone.

What’s (Really) Important, in Materialists?

It’s not those boxes that make a relationship. Or a good marriage. It’s that mysterious element of love. John says it: “I love you now like I loved you before, and I’ll love you ‘til the day I die. That’s my offer. I don’t have anything else to give…” That’s a lot. But he’ll work harder not to be broke. And, she doesn’t need him to do that anymore. She likes herself now, and no guy with boatloads of money can give you that. (Plus, it turns out, Lucy’s promoted to run the NYC office of Adore.)

Love isn’t height. Wealth. A good body. Or social stature. Love is:  someone to call whenever you need him or her (that’s John), who listens and doesn’t judge. Marriage isn’t a business deal.

As Lucy learned, “Love has to be on the table.” If love isn’t there, you can’t force a “good match” to work. Plus, you must be accepted for who you are. You can’t put yourself in boxes either.

John says, “I’m not a good bet. After all these years, I can’t afford to be with you.” Lucy says: “I’m not a good person. I’m judgmental, materialistic, and cold. I broke up with you because you’re broke … I’m awful. Even now, I’m weighing being with you against these shit tradeoffs.”

It’s her past. Her fear. She doesn’t want to be poor again, repeat her childhood. But her childhood lacked the love she needed – and John loves her. This wasn’t part of her “math.” Now, it is.

If you try to calculate a relationship and come up with “boxes,” you might think you’re playing it safe. Yet, Lucy tried the Materialists route. It doesn’t work without love.

So … the million-dollar question is? What’s more important? Money? Or love and happiness?